Lonely at the Top: What Are You Going to Do About It?
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I’m not one to preach when it comes to finding people to help me. Prior to launching my business ten years ago I was a television reporter so I didn’t make decisions that had an impact on other people. I was surrounded by people all day long, in the newsroom and on my assignments, so I certainly didn’t feel lonely.

Once you start a business or get promoted to run something, everything changes. I would guess most leaders go through a period when they try to figure it all out for themselves. It isn’t that easy to find the right people to be your sounding board. They have to understand you and your business, care about you, and be willing to tell you the truth. You have to be willing to ask questions and listen to what they say.

An Epiphany

Recently I began working with a business consultant who is incredibly talented. His analysis is spot on and his questions are probing. He has helped me start to see my own business in a new way. He’s clearing away the brush so I can see a little further down the path. I had no idea how cluttered thiings were because I hadn’t had a trusted advisor to help me hack through these issues.

This experience has really made me think. Why do leaders tolerate being lonely at the top?

Sure - you own the decision - and the results or outcomes. But that doesn’t mean that you should suffer alone. If you’re lonely, the question is - what are you going to do about it?

How Many Leaders are Lonely?

This isn’t a scientific poll, only an anecdotal observation, but I would wager that only about 10% of the leaders who come into our practice for a six month or one year coaching program actually have other trusted advisors. But when they do, it shows.

One EVP of a large financial services company appears to be in line to become CEO. He is extremely intelligent, capable, energetic, and focused, however, at first blush, you wouldn’t pick him out of the crowd as ”the one.” But what I noticed is that he has two or three independent advisors who have been with him for several years. One of them routinely travels with him. Here is a guy who made a conscious decision not to be lonely and it’s without question a factor in his success.

Working with a Trusted Advisor

In Speak Like a CEO, I recommended that you identify a trusted advisor who can work with you on your commuication skills. (Based on the above story, I won’t feel bad if you suggest I needed a dose of my own medicine.) Anyway, in Chapter 7, I talk about how a trusted advisor could be a friend or spouse; it could also be someone who works for you; however there are obvious limitations to both.

It’s really far better to find someone or someones who have the skill and expertise to help you do what you want to do. You might call them mentors or coaches; it may be a formal or informal relationship. It should be someone who genuinely cares about you. He or she should really want you to succeed. This person should have a chance to observe you at least occasionally in your work environment. He or she should be willing to share insights- and tell you what you may not want to hear. The credibility factor is key; anyone who is a trusted advisor should have experience overcoming the obstacles and challenges you face. I prefer not to have someone tell me what to do; that’s consulting. A trusted advisor should walk by your side.

Trusted Advisor Survey

Our Trusted Advisor Survey focuses communication and leadership. I recommend that you sit down with someone you trust and ask them to answer these questions. You may want to provide the questions in advance so they have time to reflect.

Some questions from our survey:

1. What do you see as my strengths in communicating?
2. Can you give me a specific example?
3. What areas of communication need further development?
4. Please give me a specific example.
5. What is the consequence of not developing in this area?
6. How do you believe other people react to this?
7. What would be the best way for me to address this need?
8. What other areas of communication could I work on?
9. Why are those important?

I tell you what; it isn’t always easy to hear what people say. But it is liberating to know you have someone who is watching your back. When you get over the discomfort, you find that you don’t have to be lonely. That’s a relief. I’m filled with gratitude for having had this experience.