The other day at a “Constructive Conversations” seminar I was giving, I witnessed a perfect example of what NOT to do if you want someone to hear your point of view. It was also a great example of how (unfortunately) natural it is for us to:

1. Infer what another person means, and then believe our interpretation is accurate, when in actuality it’s dead wrong.

2. Then launch into a debate or confrontation, based on our incorrect interpretation.

Here’s what happened:

Someone asked me what works if you want to calm down someone who is upset, so they’re capable of engaging in a mature, rational discussion.

“Great question” I exclaim, because that was what I wanted to cover next. To get the group involved, I ask them what they’ve found to work when someone is upset. What techniques and approaches have they used?

Here, Let Me Dispute What (I Mistakenly Believe) You Just Said

Before anybody could answer, another participant jumps in with: “You make it sound like everybody is approachable, and not everyone is.”

His question intrigued me for several reasons.

1. I was curious about what I had said that he interpreted as indicating I believed everyone was “approachable.”

2. The way he opened his remarks is a good example of how to trigger a defensive or antagonistic response to your statement. Openings such as “You make it sound...” come across as accusatory. Remember the old “Avoid ‘You’ statements” admonition? Whenever people start off with “You...” and add in an accusatory or assumptive tone of voice, they’re virtually guaranteed a defensive response.

3. His pronouncement implied an erroneous interpretation of my position—that I believed you can calm down anyone and have a reasonable conversation with them. Starting off the conversation with a misinterpretation of what the person said immediately creates a chasm between you and the other person, since we all want to be understood.

4. It’s a perfect example of how important it is to check out our interpretations and assumptions, rather than assume they are true and then challenging the other person.

So How Do You Challenge Someone When You Disagree With What (You Think) They Just Said?

OK, you might be thinking, how would you recommend he bring up his point?

Here are two possible ways that open the door to a conversation, rather than an argument:

1. “I’m not sure if I’m getting what you’re saying. Are you saying you believe everybody can be reached; that with the right technique you can calm anybody down?”

2. “Do you believe that everyone can be calmed down and engaged in a constructive conversation?”

So How Can You Use This Example?

1. Remember that there’s a big difference between wondering if you know what another person means and telling them what they mean or believe.

2. Recognize that we all “tell ourselves stories” about what other people are saying and doing, and often these stories are inaccurate. Because it’s human nature to make sense out of what people are saying and doing, we naturally come up with explanations for why people do what they do, or say what they say. This becomes a problem when our “explanations are:

a. Wrong.

b. Involve negative assessments of the other person, especially their character or intentions.

3. If you think the other person is making a claim or an assumption that you disagree with, ask them if they’re saying what you think they’re saying. Make sure your tone of voice is curious, not accusing or dripping with a “gotcha” attitude.